The RT goes to a LOT of meetings … LONG meetings … DRY meetings. And given that in today’s world he would likely be diagnosed as ADD, his mind tends to wander off onto other things during those meetings … MEANINGLESS things … POINTLESS things … but sometimes, MILDLY HUMOROUS things.
Hopefully, the following list of 100 Things Said By No One … EVER will make it into the latter group. Enjoy!
- I don’t like back rubs.
- I love going to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
- I wish telemarketers would call more often.
- I’m glad I stepped on that hornet’s nest.
- I got too much sleep last night.
- I didn’t get enough bugs on my windshield this summer.
- My pants fit entirely too well.
- My shower was too long.
- My car is too new.
- My bed is too comfortable.
- I hope to go to prison someday.
- I wish my car would break down on this dark stretch of road, by the cemetery, in Bloods territory, on this Halloween night, by the Bates Motel, right by the guy with the chainsaw.
- I wish more hair would grow in my ears.
- I wish I hadn’t gone to the Moon (obviously limited to a chosen few, but none ever said it).
- God loves me too much.
- I have too many close friends.
- I wish I could have traded places with Jesus.
- I have too much love in my life.
- My spouse loves me too much.
- I hope my son grows up to be in a gang.
- I hope my daughter grows up to be like Lindsey Lohan, or if not that, at least like Miley Cyrus.
- My percent body fat is too low.
- There’s nothing better than a good root canal.
- My love handles aren’t big enough.
- I wish I had more acne.
- It’s too easy to lose weight.
- My heart surgery was too easy.
Home and Farm
- My water is too pure.
- I wish I lived in Pine Bluff (Arkansas).
- My Internet connection is too fast.
- I wish there were more poisonous snakes in my yard.
- My air conditioner works too well.
- I don’t get to mow the grass often enough.
- My telephone bill is too easy to read.
- We don’t have enough tornadoes around here.
- I wish I had more chiggers in my yard.
- It’s not hot enough in my attic.
- I wish I had rodents under my house.
- My neighbor’s dog doesn’t bark enough.
- I wish I lived closer to that hog farm/landfill/crematory/sewage plant.
- My house is too clean.
- I love picking up dog poop out of my yard.
- My crops would benefit from a good hail storm.
- My AMC Gremlin/Pacer/Matador was the best car ever made.
- I wish a serial killer lived next door to me.
- There’s too much hot fudge on my sundae.
- There’s too much bacon in my life.
- There’s too much ice cream in my bowl.
- I had too much money when I retired.
- My car didn’t cost enough.
- There’s too much money left at the end of the month.
- My cable/satellite TV bill should be higher.
- I don’t pay enough taxes.
- My electric bill is too low.
- My car’s MPG is too high.
- Gasoline is too cheap (at least never said by a Republican).
For The Office
- I don’t have enough paper on my desk.
- I wish that PowerPoint presentation had been longer.
- I don’t get enough e-mail.
- My computer is too fast.
- My last raise was too much.
- I wish I could spend more time at the office.
- I wish my boss would treat me unfairly.
- I have too much vacation time.
- That meeting was too short.
For the Outdoors
- I’m too good a swimmer.
- I think I’ll trek across the Sahara with no water.
- I love mosquitoes.
- I get too much fresh air.
- There aren’t enough sharks in this swimming area.
- I did too well on that test.
- My scholarship was too large.
- My ACT/SAT score was too high.
- I was ranked too high in my graduating class.
For Athletes/Sports Fans
- I wish we hadn’t won the State Championship.
- I was too far under par in that round.
- We scored too many points in that game.
- My golf ball landed too close to the hole.
- I had too much altitude when my engine quit.
- It’s fun to fly through a thunderstorm.
- I had too much fuel left when I landed.
- I wish ice would start forming on my wings.
For the Military
- I had too much firepower going into that battle.
- I’ll take an MRE over a steak any day.
- I had too much ammo left after that firefight.
- My travel day was too smooth.
- My parking place was too close to the terminal.
- This airline seat is too comfortable.
- We had too many lifeboats on our cruise.
- Our airline pilot had too much training.
- I wish I lived in North Korea.
- France has a powerful and intimidating military.
- I wish Iran had a nuclear arsenal.
- That Vladimir Putin is quite the gentleman.
- Kim Jung Il/Un is the most reasonable man around.
- Gary Busey is a GREAT actor.
- Boy George was too normal for my tastes.
- What I liked most about “The Six Million Dollar Man” (1970s TV “drama”) was that it was so realistic … and well-acted.
- Beethoven would have loved rap “music”.
- The polyester leisure suit was the pinnacle of fashion.